I Cannot Sleep

So I’ve taken to reading memes about my star sign to cheer me up especially on those nights that I feel like a piece of shit. 

I have been feeling rejected lately, by everyone. Of course that isn’t the case, I suffer from high fuctioning depression. So yes, my thoughts are bound to spiral irrationally towards being a second option. Which I’m fine with strangely. Why? Because as I have discovered, this life time for me, is one of absolutions. Penance. 

I have a migrane, I’ve been trying to kill a pesky mosquito for the past hour, I feel lonely, I am struggling with new concepts in my personal life, I want that which I can never have. I am having a weak moment, all doubts are rushing in. Rushing, overwhelming, gripping me tightly, pinching my nostrils shut, denying me air. Doubt is driving nails into my brain, making me forget what I knew was true, doubt is making me call it hindsight. Doubt is eating my heart and bursting my ear drums so that I do not feel or hear anything else. I am drowning in doubt, it’s coming out of my pores, it is making my saliva thick. I’m splintering. Small fracture, fissures, gaping miasmata. 

Oh how I long to purge these thoughts completely, to drill them out and drain them into eternity. Maybe they’d get lost there and never come back like they do every single night. 

I taste cruelty on my tongue daily, it sits heavily on my chest and lingers behind unshed tears that have been pushed back. How can I explain a wrong that is yet to be done? Why does cruelty rape me repeatedly? 

Have a good night.