Freud On My Mind

Disclaimer : The following thoughts are largely based on my experiences. If it doesn’t apply to you, worry not, I am not saying this is the standard experience across the board for every woman. Or forcing it to be. It just so happens that I know a number of similarly aged women who have gone through similar experiences. Don’t ride the offense horse, it has no saddle. 

There is a certain stage that a woman experiences once they turn or are about to turn 25. A certain wisdom garnered between ages 21-24. I’m not saying that you know everything and that 30year old you won’t look at 25 year old you and not cringe; they will. But 22 year old you is definitely not going to be 25 year old you.

You will learn patience. If you went to uni/college (I live in Kenya so it’s university for me, yaay 8-4-4 😏) by the time you hit 25 you’ll have been a graduate for two years. If you don’t go for your masters degree and you were lucky enough to get a job with your undergrad degree, you’ll then be exposed to the joys of the bottom of the career ladder. And let me tell you, for a woman in a third world misogynistic country, the rungs are lower than the pits of Tartarus. Climbing up them is no mean feat. You’ve got your regular sexism and mansplaining to make the task more challenging. Then you have to prove your worth and skill. And you have got to have an aptitude for a diverse number of things because nothing you learnt in class will be applicable to your career.
You will do mundane tasks that’ll have you questioning your sanity. You will be your supervisor’s bitch. You’ll learn patience whether or not you want to. You will subjugate. You will learn to deal with the most odious personalities and the most kindest. This new environment will build your patience. This in turn will surprisingly spread to other sectors of your life. Well it did for me. I however, cannot take orders that stifle my creativity (I sound like a hipster douche, maybe I am but what are you 😛) so I brainwashed (jk)  a couple of like minded friends and we formed a company. As if life wasn’t challenging enough, I added perennially broke and potentially stroke inducing career moves to my plate. I like to live on the edge. Thug life ‘n shit.

You will experience a life event that’ll change you irrevocably. If you haven’t, it’s coming up. Be it a romantic relationship, friendship matters, death, secrets coming to light, family matters, sudden abrupt change in routine etc; you’ll experience something that’ll shift your perspective on certain matters greatly. It’ll affect you profoundly and change key aspects of you. It’ll either make you more cautious or bitter. Kinder or cruel. Open or closed off. Asshole or empathetic. Considerate or uncaring. More honest or more deceitful. Basically, it’ll shift you more toward a negative or positive extreme. I personally tried for neutrality but ended up deep in cynicism and sarcasm. The high road is full of potholes. 

You will learn how to drink properly and hydrate well on a night of binge drinking. Because after 23, hangovers are rough. I however am that annoying cunt that rarely suffers hangovers. But I recognize and implement the wisdom of hydrating whilst drinking not after drinking. 

You’ll do something stupid with a wildly attractive person you have nothing in common with and are inexplicably drawn to (or people if the lesson doesn’t sink in quickly enough) and get your pride hurt. For a minute you’ll think it’s your feelings but then you’ll realize that feeling extremely stupid is quite close to feeling hurt. But don’t worry, it’s just your id taking a blow. You won’t be stupid like that again for a long time subsequently.

This next one requires a bit of psychology background about the id, ego and superego. I shall borrow from this site : The Id, Ego and Superego

According to Sigmund Freud, human personality is complex and has more than a single component. In his famous psychoanalytic theory of personality, personality is composed of three elements. These three elements of personality – known as the id, the ego, and the superego – work together to create complex human behaviours.

The Id

  • The id is the only component of personality that is present from birth.
  • This aspect of personality is entirely unconscious and includes the instinctive and primitive behaviours.
  • According to Freud, the id is the source of all psychic energy, making it the primary component of personality.

The id is driven by the pleasure principle, which strives for immediate gratification of all desires, wants, and needs. If these needs are not satisfied immediately, the result is a state anxiety or tension.

The Ego

  • The ego is the component of personality that is responsible for dealing with reality.
  • According to Freud, the ego develops from the id and ensures that the impulses of the id can be expressed in a manner acceptable in the real world.
  • The ego functions in both the consciouspreconscious, and unconscious mind.
  • The ego operates based on the reality principle, which strives to satisfy the id’s desires in realistic and socially appropriate ways. The reality principle weighs the costs and benefits of an action before deciding to act upon or abandon impulses. In many cases, the id’s impulses can be satisfied through a process of delayed gratification–the ego will eventually allow the behavior, but only in the appropriate time and place.

The Superego

The last component of personality to develop is the superego.

  • The superego is the aspect of personality that holds all of our internalized moral standards and ideals that we acquire from both parents and society – our sense of right and wrong.
  • The superego provides guidelines for making judgments.
  • According to Freud, the superego begins to emerge at around age five.
  • There are two parts of the superego:
  1. The ego ideal includes the rules and standards for good behaviors. These behaviors include those which are approved of by parental and other authority figures. Obeying these rules leads to feelings of pride, value, and accomplishment.
  2. The conscience includes information about things that are viewed as bad by parents and society. These behaviors are often forbidden and lead to bad consequences, punishments, or feelings of guilt and remorse.

The superego acts to perfect and civilize our behavior. It works to suppress all unacceptable urges of the id and struggles to make the ego act upon idealistic standards rather that upon realistic principles. The superego is present in the conscious, preconscious, and unconscious.

The Interaction of the Id, Ego, and Superego

With so many competing forces, it is easy to see how conflict might arise between the id, ego, and superego. Freud used the term ego strength to refer to the ego’s ability to function despite these dueling forces. A person with good ego strength is able to effectively manage these pressures, while those with too much or too little ego strength can become too unyielding or too disrupting.

According to Freud, the key to a healthy personality is a balance between the id, the ego, and the superego.

Still with me? Okay, good. If your eyes haven’t glazed over from all that background information we can proceed. Ages 19-23 is dominated by the id. With sprinkles of ego to keep you from going off the rails completely. 22 will be the zenith. You’ll be at your most cockiest, most arrogant and most charming. You’ll give zero fucks and will be high on life. You’ll thrive. Then those life changing events that I mentioned earlier will creep in and mould you so that more of your ego and superego calm your tits the fuck down.

You’ll test the bounds of your mental agility and stability. You’ll get to know your lowest points and highest points. And hopefully how to exist in between.

You will learn the value of alone time. You will be lonely, you will revel in it and despair in it. You will understand solitude. It’ll comfort and vex you concurrently.

You’ll make enemies, be an enemy or have someone malign your character. Some people will just hate you, the same way you hate some people. Part of life.

You will realize that your confidence has been slowly building over time. This becomes more apparent when you expose yourself to situations that push the boundaries of your comfort zone. Quiet assurance will replace the cocky veneer of your early twenties. You will exude confidence instead of screaming it.

You will finally begin to understand the deeper meaning of life going on despite whatever is happening to you. You will understand that you are just a tiny speck in the universe’s grand scheme. A tiny speck with a whole universe inside you. You are the universe. To quote Anais Nin,

“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.”

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Bad and Boujee (I was listening to trap music when I was writing this post, I know it’s spelt bougié grammar nazi)

You know you’re fucked when you start googling “How to keep up witty text conversations with your crush.” It shouldn’t be that hard, right? But I’m jumping the gun, digressing even before I start. Pushing away the more serious thoughts that send a sharp pain shooting through my brain whenever I begin to think of them.

My life is fucked up. Well that’s a bit too dramatic. I think I’m trying to say I’m fucked up inside. Irrevocably, irreversibly. There is something that shattered within me and the glue I used to put back the pieces have created an alien form that does not go with who or what I am. I feel it every day, like misplaced ichor floating on top of the real thing. Like oil floating on water. Jesus. Fuck. I can’t even begin to say what’s going on because I literally cannot put the events into words and I am woefully inarticulate when it comes to my emotions.

Why is it that I am most creative when I am in a state of angst? I used to ask myself this during my particularly low days then I discovered that I am a master at making my pain disappear through overwhelming myself with creative activity. This round though, it’s not enough. The cracks aren’t sealing up, they’re creaking and groaning under the weight of unacknowledged thoughts and repressed emotions.

This post is going to be a series of disconnected thoughts that try to illuminate my general thought process. Fuck making sense. 2016 hasn’t been my year. No. Not at all. I’d like to say it fucked me in the asshole without lube but that would be an understatement. Okay, the cursor has blinking at me for the past 10 minutes. My sister is snoring behind me. I get irritated by snoring, I am a very light sleeper, but even when I am awake it’ll grind my gears. Anyway. I am bereft of words to express the emotional anguish I am undergoing. The only person who got close to understanding is no longer in my life. My doing of course; because I’m that human. No but seriously, how do you become strangers with someone who’s seen your soul? One day at a time. You unravel the points of contact that had both of you intertwined so tightly that it felt like your pulse was one. Then one day you wake up and realise that the barrier that hides who you truly are from other people is back up between you two.

I was in a long term relationship, three years almost. It was a relationship that made me grow immensely, in ways that I could not imagine; especially emotionally. As I said, I am not good with emotions, mainly because of the way I was raised *insert sad childhood story here* One thing I discovered very early on in my childhood is that I am very sensitive. Very very sensitive. I feel too much, to the point it consumes my entire being and manifests physically. Now being that person and the way I was raised messed up my emotional IQ. I quickly had to learn how to “hide” my soft underbelly. It got easier as the years went by but I did not realise the damage I was doing till it was too late. Wait, what’s the point of this sob story about my emotional ineptitude? No, it’s not to whine about my life changing breakup, (really, it’s not) I think I’m trying to work through my convoluted thought process. And why my chest hurts and why there’s a lump in my throat. I think it’s because my method of dealing with hurtful events changed from crying to burying stuff deep down and letting it out in increments till gradually over time it stopped hurting. This time I guess I have to increase the size of the increments because it’s fucking choking me. Culpability, what-ifs, reconsiderations, bitterness, feeling like an idiot, betrayal, misplaced accountability and a plethora of negative emotions are swirling around like a fetid cloud. I need emotional Febreze©. I can feel myself making wrong decisions on purpose because of this and I’m reveling in it.

I deal with everything alone. Alone. It has never been lonely because I have me. It was easier though, even if a fraction of the problem was shared. It felt…human, connected. But now inner me wants a vacation. At the wrong time. Where will I disappear to? What’ll be on the other side? This ambiguous style of expression is soothing and vexing at the same time. I want to say it all, scream it all, rend it from my skin, exhale it on my breath, sweat it from my pores but it’s stuck inside. Stuck. Fucking STUCK. It is everything. It is nothing. It is the beginning. It is the end. It is indeterminate.

I am afraid. I am afraid I will never be able to BE as other people are. I am afraid no one will ever understand why I am the way I am fully. I am afraid all of this is in vain. I am also unsure as to what I have expressed but I am due for a life crisis, 25 has to manifest in some sort of way. Do you exist to live or live to exist?

On a lighter note:  (Bad and Boujee – Migos ft Lil Uzi Vert)
“Raindrops, drop tops (drop top)
Smokin’ on cookie in the hotbox (cookie)
Fuckin’ on your bitch she a thot, thot, thot (thot)
Cookin’ up dope in the crockpot, (pot)
We came from nothin’ to somethin’ nigga (hey)
I don’t trust nobody with the trigger (nobody)
Call up the gang, they come and get you (gang)
Cry me a river, give you a tissue (hey)
My bitch is bad and boujee (bad)
Cookin’ up dope with an Uzi (blaow)
My niggas is savage, ruthless (savage)
We got 30’s and 100 rounds too (grrah)”

Judge me harshly 😏

Unerring Vicissitudes

Sometimes I wonder how it is possible to be such a contradiction of a human being. To feel so much inside yet on the surface appear ambivalent, expressionless even. The person you spend the most time with is yourself, therefore it would be logical to develop a healthy relationship with oneself. But like most of my relationships, mine with myself is a murky complications of what ifs. Perhaps the most detrimental factor is that trusting myself is often not an option. I mean, yeah it’s one thing not to trust another person, they are a stranger to what’s within and will never quite grasp who you essentially are but lack of trust with yourself is vexing because it means you are at war with yourself.

Demands, demands. Most of the time I just want my own company to listen to my intangible thoughts and do things that soothe my soul. Like read a tragic novel or play video games. Or write about the girl that consumes my thoughts but cannot quite tell her because my emotions are comprised of unerring vicissitudes that often clash for dominance and use my heart as a battle ground and the words don’t come close to conveying my meaning. I do not know how to say sorry because it is a woefully inadequate word that does not even come close to assuaging the upset that precipitated the apology. I do however know how to sit quietly beside you, offer my support and an unassuming ear and shoulder to cry on. I will hug you because sometimes there are some things words miss, undefinable gaps that remain hollow when paltry words are used to try to fill them.

Maybe one day I will be able to express what I feel without feeling like my soul is being ripped out. Maybe I’ll learn to be more open, less guarded, less cautious. But wounds of the heart are permanently septic, all it takes is a breeze of ill wind blowing on them and they are re-infected; begin festering, rotting into bitterness and cynicism. Oozing despair and distrust with feculent apathy. But maybe just maybe, it may not always be the case.

Maybe I’ll take this chance. And maybe you’ll understand what I’m saying when I quote Floetry lyrics or send Pablo Neruda stanzas to you. I like being alone but that doesn’t mean I don’t like being with you. I like that quiet space that separates our thoughts and gives birth to possibilities. I like making space in my head so that I can consume your entirety when I’m in your presence. Then when your bubble and my bubble mix it forms a nice cocoon of just being, just two human beings using silence as a language and me randomly licking your cheek or biting your nose. No words needed just each other’s presence that make one feel like they’re in a Lana Del Rey song on loop. Just existing. Breathing. Being. Maybe I’ll take a chance.
The fact I’m thinking about you above all these thoughts means I already am.

Sagittarius Chronicles (Because Why Not) 

From my previous blog posts you’ve probably gathered that I’m a Sag. The number one thing that Sags are always striving for is understanding and to be understood. This particular post is about being understood because we are a highly misunderstood group of people. I cribbed this from another blog (http://12zodiacsign.blogspot.co.ke/2013/12/sagittarius-is-most-loneliest-sign-on.html?m=1) but it had horrible grammar and vocabulary so I edited it like the kind OCD person / grammar nazi I am. Without further ado:

Do you have Sagittarius friends? If you do, you would think that they are the happiest people in this world. You are not wrong but not completely right too.

Saying that Sagittarius is the most loneliest sign on this planet sounds impossible but it is true. You will never know how the Sagittarius feels deep inside. That doesn’t mean they are bad or a liar but they just don’t like showing their emotions because they hate being tied down and they don’t like to show their weakness. They are typically the strongest sign among another zodiac signs.

Sagittarius people are born with a clown face. It means that they always smile no matter what the circumstance is; they just can’t stop smiling and laughing. Sometimes they even laugh at their mistakes and the past story that they have been through. It is not weird if you see a Sagittarius person walking alone and smiling, they are thinking about their mistakes and cannot stop laughing how stupid they are.

Yes, they always smile, and laugh but they also have a hard time thinking over and over again about something that has been killing them and they will never tell anyone. They would just keep it to themselves and let the time fade this thing away. They have a special ability to kill all the bad memories in their mind without telling anyone.

We all know that Sagittarius are good conversationalists. They have a broad mind and they can talk about anything that you want talk about. Be it science, political, religion, culture, so on; they always impress you about their knowledge toward those subject because they are born explorers. They are very talkative but will always have a hard time expressing their feelings if you ask them to tell you exactly how they feel. That’s why they seem to be lonely most of the time because they don’t really share their feelings with people, even their family.

But they have one special partner to share how they feel and what do they think, and that partner is themselves. They always talk to themselves when they are alone. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean that they have a mental problem but they always reflect on the problem. They are sure that their problem has nothing to do with other people and they think that only they can solve it by themselves. Though they like to solve their own problems, you will also find that they like to help solve other people’s problems. They were basically born this way.