Machine Gun Mental Health (Trigger Warning)

Trigger warning: suicide, depression, self loathing

I want to die.

I’ve been holding a knife to my wrist for the past hour. Slash vertically for maximum effect. Horizontal cut will be too shallow to let you bleed out. That’s the first thought I had this morning. Same persistent thought I had on my way to work. Found myself absent mindedly picking up a letter opener and scratching my wrist when I was left alone for an hour over lunch break. It brought me so much peace. Then I began imagining taking it a step further, actually sinking the blade beneath the skin of my wrist, feel the flesh give way and the vein split open. Feel the sting of relief when the blood started flowing out because it’d ease some of the internal pressure. Release that thing that kept on pushing to come out. My workmate abruptly walked in, got startled and slightly nicked myself. I had wasted too much time, I was no longer alone. Maybe later. Plus I had to plan it so I wouldn’t be a burden to anyone. My head really hurts. It’s been splitting open and pounding for the past four days. The thoughts are grey, suffocating and heavy. This isn’t new, but this particular one is different. I will actually go for good.

I want to die

Didn’t realise how bad I had gotten because it happened in such a short span of time. I thought I was doing okay, I thought that it was manageable. I thought that I had made progress. In actuality the dip was just recharging. Gearing up for a major blow on all ends. I sat in the matau at 6.47am and thought about how I always kept coming back to a state of dolour. How that particular “gift” has been debilitating to my existence and that the harder I try to turn around, the harder it strikes back. I thought. And thought. My head split further. Splintered so aggressively I thought it was audible. And the pain had me biting my lip so hard that it bled. I really didn’t ask to be here. I am ill equipped to exist. And the harder I try to exist, the worse it becomes. The tout asks me for fare. Looks irritated because apparently he’s been trying to get my attention but it seemed like I was ignoring him. Other passengers are looking at me curiously. I pay and go back to looking outside the window and start to wonder, if a truck hit me at full speed, would I die instantly or would I suffer excruciating injuries then finally pass on? A cop rapping on the window jolts me out of this thought pattern. It’s too public anyway. Plus I don’t want to be a burden to anyone or cause them pain. My head really hurts. It’s been splitting open and pounding for the past four days. The thoughts are grey, suffocating and heavy. This isn’t new, but this particular one is different. I will actually go for good.

I need to die

Perhaps when I go, many people’s quality of life will improve. This is not from an egotistical point of view. Merely that I don’t have to be a burden anymore. My parents will no longer worry about how I’ll survive with my job that’s relatively unpredictable. My eldest sister will no longer have to worry about me tarnishing the family name and bringing shame to her. My second eldest sister will no longer have to worry about how I’m doing in addition to her own child and herself. My small sister will no longer have to look up to a failure. My lover will no longer have to go through the exhausting emotional work of trying to be with me at the detriment of their own emotional stability. Plus my impact in people’s lives around me is heavily negative. The positive is quite little. The best course of action is to eliminate the cancer, I.e. me. If I set myself on fire, how long will it take me to burn up? And what intensity of fire will it take such that I’m burnt to ashes so that there’s no body to bury so no expenses, no funeral. That way I won’t be a burden to anyone. My head really hurts. It’s been splitting open and pounding for the past four days. The thoughts are grey, suffocating and heavy. This isn’t new, but this particular one is different. I will actually go for good.

I will die.

I am afraid. But the fear is being muted by the seductive thought of permanently leaving. But you know what, we’re all in a slow form of suicide. We die everyday. Getting older is biological suicide. Your cells die and are replaced daily. This process slows down over the years until eventually it comes to a halt. I will die but I’ll be damned if I let these irrational thought patterns dominate. Whatever spark is left is so tiny. Tiny like the time I tried to hang myself and then my niece crawled in. I had to stop. Not because I wanted to, I just did. I will keep struggling, I’ll keep having these thoughts. Maybe one day they’ll consume me completely but today is not the day. No. I will die. I will die when I’m meant to die. Or at least I’ll try. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone.

My head really hurts. It’s been splitting open and pounding for the past four days. The thoughts are grey, suffocating and heavy. This isn’t new, but this particular one is different. I will actually go for a while.

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Generation

Oh how they simper and gyrate with their fecal mentalities. How they deem themselves superior by supposed cunning and moral decay. Their breath reeks of self delusion and unsolved trauma, a taste leaves one with pestilence and endless longing for death. Guised as eloquent wraiths who are as empty as the past they seek to fill with a cardboard future. Tell me, whore of immutable obfuscation; what do you do after you go down on the devil and gag on their seed? Fuck you and seven of your generations to come.

They Will

Oh, they’ll make you come till you think the earth is moving. They’ll coax confessions out of your passionate sighs as you clench around their fingers. They’ll taste your honesty as they gently ask your mouth questions with theirs. They’ll listen to your childhood traumas while holding you close. They’ll lick a path of intimacy down your spine and into the deepest part of you. They’ll weave nostalgia and routine into your memories. Then they will leave.

You

Are dead to me, are not in my life cycle.
You.
Release me. I have released you.
You.
Fragmented me and rejected me over and over. Eon after eon.
You.
I wanted you for millennia. Yearned.
You.
I have let you go.
You.
Our souls now take different paths.
You.
I.
Me.
Us.
Cosmos converge. Diverge.
You.
Peace at last.
You.
As you were.

People to stay away from

People to stay away from:

Those that tell you that they didn’t ask you to perform a selfless act for them. They do not recognise kind acts or doing something without expectation. Or that someone will do something for them because they want to. Their excuse? Creates unnecessary expectations. Reality? They cannot stand to be accountable for selfish acts. They will damage you.

Gaslighters. Self explanatory.

People who use the term self love/self healing as an excuse to perform toxic acts.

Indecisive people. To avoid decision, the road of destruction would be preferable to them.

Cowards. They will bring down the world on its knees if it means escaping what they fear.

All in all, you alone are responsible for allowing yourself to feel a certain way. If you own your own stuff and hold yourself accountable to the actions you perform then all you can do is try to navigate away from toxic energies and situations. If it feels wrong , it’s wrong. Don’t ignore it. There’s a reason why that part of our senses was retained during evolution. Human intention may appear innocent but in the long run can turn out to be malevolent.